When Words Hurt

Lately I have been challenging myself to avoid certain words or phrases in the things I say aloud as well as in the thoughts I have. Thoughts can seem so automatic that changing them feels impossible. I’m a big fan of the “do-over” method. When I notice I’ve said or thought something that doesn’t align with my values, I let myself say or think the statement again using words that do align with my values. This technique lets me practice using language that I want to use and trains my brain to use the new language automatically. I’m not attacking myself with criticism or judgement when I “mess up.” I am simply recognizing the statement as unwanted and letting myself try again.

Words that hurt myself

A while back I started noticing negative self-talk that was harming myself. I made the decision to not call myself or others words like “stupid” or “lazy.” I don’t like to use these words even in my own mind. The words I use inside my head often escape through my mouth, so not thinking them helps me to not say them. I’m not gonna lie, these words do pop into my head in times of high stress. It’s hard to control my thoughts or even my words when my emotions are in dysregulation. Managing my stress helps. (I’ll write about that later.) When I have these thoughts, I give myself a “do-over” and rephrase it using different words.

Words that hurt others

Recently, I’ve made the decision to actively avoid using words like “crazy” or “insane.” It’s harder to see how these words harm others and myself. There are the ways these words intentionally harm others, and there are the ways these words have evolved to take on different meanings. I grew up using many of these words to describe things I like or to assign “greatness.” As an adult, however, I realize that these words have a dark history and possess stigmas that don’t align with my values.

Should statements

I like to call “should” an ugly word in therapy. “I should have” or “they shouldn’t have” are argumentative statements fighting something that has already occurred and cannot be changed. (There is a small window where reflecting on the past can provide insight and clarity moving forward. Dwelling and ruminating, however, are not helpful.) I also use “should” to plan for the future in a way that leads to feelings of failure and disappointment when I don’t meet those expectations. When I use words like “want to,” I am instead opening myself to the fluidity of desire. I may “want to” do the dishes before bed and later decide that I “want to” read a book before bed.

Red flag words

Through my work as a therapist, I have come to identify several “red flag words” that lead to increased irrational thoughts. They are like a red flashing beacon I can use to identify potential irrational thoughts. “Always,” “never,” and “every” are rarely a true reflection of reality. When these words enter my thoughts, I ask myself if the word reflects reality. Is it true that I “never” wear heels? If I ever wear heels in my lifetime- past, present, or future- then this statement cannot be true. Is it true that I “rarely” wear heels? Yes, this statement absolutely reflects reality.

Choosing words to avoid

My personal values and beliefs have led to many of these changes in my vocabulary. I cannot affirm and promote the inherent worth and dignity of every person while thinking and saying things that harm people. Determining what words or phrases are harmful is a matter of listening. While there is rarely consensus among the masses, I believe voices of lived experience hold the most weight. I also listen to myself and how certain words make me feel. Do I feel good about myself when I use that word? I continue to add to the list as I learn more about myself and the world around me.

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